I had to go to the bank last week, to prove my identity so I could be a signatory for a bank account. In Australia, that means providing the bank with “100 points” of ID.

At the bank. Friday.

Me: Here’s my driver’s licence

Bank Dude: That’s 40 points

Me: Here’s a credit card.

Bank Dude: That’s 25 points … 65 so far

Me: Here’s my other credit card.

Bank Dude: That’s from the same bank. Sorry, no banana.

Me: Um, my medicare card?

BD: Another 25 points. Congrats, we’re up to 90.

Me: [rummaging through purse] Um, a store card? A museum membership card? My car registration letter? Doctor’s bills? [in my defence at this point, the notes do say “a utility bill” – I thought the car rego might count]

BD: No can do, sorry

Me: I’m in the phone book!

BD: Um, nope.

Me: Otto, get away from the door!

BD: Passport?

Me: Don’t have one.

BD: Rates notice?

Me: Probably could scrounge it up. But my husband has it at work, and I really wanted to get this done today.

BD: No can do.

Me: *sigh*

BD: But a reference from a barrister or one of these other named people is worth 100 points!

Me: Yes, but don’t have one here.

BD: Well I’ll print it out for you and you can see if you can get one.

Me: *sigh*

—

At home, later that night.

Me: *rant rant rant* about bank intractability, can’t they accept some combination of the many cards I carry with me, etc etc etc.

[look at reference form]

*rant rant rant* and look at this, the referee has to sight a primary form of ID and I already told the guy I don’t have any of those. This is so dumb, I bet I can NEVER EVER pass a 100 point ID test. [astute readers will note the skilful use of exaggeration here]

Fraser: Why don’t you use your passport?

Me: *rant rant rant* it expired and I didn’t renew it.

Fraser: Um, dear? Look in the cupboard?

There is my renewed, albeit unused, passport.

Ooops.

—

At the bank. Monday.

Me: *eats crow*

Bank Dude: *Is very gracious in not mocking me.*