Everything changes

25 Sep

I knew this was going to happen.

I just didn’t expect it to come on so suddenly.

I don’t know how I can bear to leave my kids.

When I was pregnant with Otto, my hormones made me a little bit insane. Every night, I had the most appalling dreams in which I, or another member of the family, died horribly. Every time I said goodbye to the Bigster, I was afraid that it would be the last time. Even though I knew intellectually that it was rubbish, on a gut level I was convinced that we would not get through the pregnancy unscathed.

While it’s not that bad now (thankyou normal hormones instead of pregnancy ones), I am suddenly struck that things will never be the same again. I’ve never had more than 2 nights away from my girls – more accurately, them away from me – other than hospital stays, I don’t think I’ve ever been the one to be away. Biggie’s staying with a friend tonight and Otto – the same Otto who can barely be with her sister for 5 minutes without yells – told me she didn’t want to sleep in her room without her Biggie. So she’s snuggled up next to me, sound asleep, happy as a pig in mud because sleeping in the big bed with mummy is about the biggest treat she can have.

I’m not really worried about the Bigster – there’ll be tears and arguments, but she’ll get through. I’m desperately worried about Otto, because she’s my baby, and because she’s so attached to me. She loves to snuggle up in a chair or on the bed with me and just stroke my face, or my arm. She wants me to do everything for her – but then she tells me how much she loves me, too. I wonder how that will be when I get back.

Oh don’t get me wrong – I’m not about to cancel my trip. I’m just starting the expected crisis of conscience, at around the expected time.

Maybe it’s the dental anaesthetic talking.


Posted by on September 25, 2008 in children, family, travel


5 responses to “Everything changes

  1. jeffinberlin

    September 26, 2008 at 6:34 am

    Congratulations on being my first comment on my personal blog! Nice to know someone noticed:)

    Given your past dealings “behind the curtain” (as THEY’VE been saying), I can only guess it’s Hanno who is bribing you into playing my game. I hope it’s enough (to take you away from running around the hallowed halls of Essen).

    Such a shame that I won’t be able to be there and meet you in person. It would be such a short jaunt for me, but work/family conflicts cannot be avoided. Oh well. I’ll just have to live it vicariously through you and the other bloggers (and at our After-Essen Party in Berlin).

    Viel Spass und Alles Gute!

  2. melissainau

    September 26, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    It’ll be before OMGESSEN!, Jeff – I’m going to go stay with Hanno for a few days before heading back down for the Messe. I’m still not *entirely* sure that staying with a publisher BEFORE a major fair is the best idea ever, but we shall see.

    Such a shame that you won’t make it over there – but I am sure I’ll make it to Berlin next year at least 🙂

  3. Jocy

    September 26, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    Well, hon, when you are doing something you are doing it right 😉 Maybe you should have made smaller trips first to get them used to it 😉

    Love Jocy, who knows your kids will survive it

  4. jeffinberlin

    September 26, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    I feel the same way whenever I have to leave my twin sons (now 2 years old) for more than a day. And I don’t have the excuse of hormones!

    Your ideas of preparing gifts and notes for the girls are great, but maybe you need them to prepare you some little surprises as well!

  5. melissainau

    September 27, 2008 at 12:59 am

    And you know what? I am much better today, to the point of mocking myself a little bit for having the crisis.

    Now pardon me while I snuggle Miss Otto 🙂


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