I knew this was going to happen.
I just didn’t expect it to come on so suddenly.
I don’t know how I can bear to leave my kids.
When I was pregnant with Otto, my hormones made me a little bit insane. Every night, I had the most appalling dreams in which I, or another member of the family, died horribly. Every time I said goodbye to the Bigster, I was afraid that it would be the last time. Even though I knew intellectually that it was rubbish, on a gut level I was convinced that we would not get through the pregnancy unscathed.
While it’s not that bad now (thankyou normal hormones instead of pregnancy ones), I am suddenly struck that things will never be the same again. I’ve never had more than 2 nights away from my girls – more accurately, them away from me – other than hospital stays, I don’t think I’ve ever been the one to be away. Biggie’s staying with a friend tonight and Otto – the same Otto who can barely be with her sister for 5 minutes without yells – told me she didn’t want to sleep in her room without her Biggie. So she’s snuggled up next to me, sound asleep, happy as a pig in mud because sleeping in the big bed with mummy is about the biggest treat she can have.
I’m not really worried about the Bigster – there’ll be tears and arguments, but she’ll get through. I’m desperately worried about Otto, because she’s my baby, and because she’s so attached to me. She loves to snuggle up in a chair or on the bed with me and just stroke my face, or my arm. She wants me to do everything for her – but then she tells me how much she loves me, too. I wonder how that will be when I get back.
Oh don’t get me wrong – I’m not about to cancel my trip. I’m just starting the expected crisis of conscience, at around the expected time.
Maybe it’s the dental anaesthetic talking.